My name is David Rifkin and I would like to apply for one of the part-time writing positions available at Notgraphs and possibly its sibling websites. I thought I should tell you of my skills and accomplishments, but I also have many intended methods of showing you my qualifications. By doing so, I believe I can clear up many of the 'getting to know you' issues that arise from web-based communication. Without further ado, those methods (here's looking at you, Carson):
Pros and Cons
Pros
-I live in my parent's basement. According to Michael Kay, Mike Lupica, etc., this is my best qualification.
-The current financial climate has impeded my finding a job. I have a lot of time on my hands
-[Wipeout slider. 12-6 curve. Worm-burner-inducing sinker. High Heat]= My wiffleball arsenal
-Began my Devil Rays fandom in 2003 rooting for the likes of Dewon Brazelton and Travis Lee (who really wasn't too bad).
-I've never seen Degrassi
Cons
-I've never seen Degrassi
-I don't find Ozzie Guillen funny. Supposedly that's his redeeming quality, the one that makes us forget how poor his decisions are, but his bluster does nothing for me
-I live with my parents. It's awful.
-I'm only now learning to run a regression analysis. Since this is the only legitimate deficiency I've stated (besides that Degrassi thing), I feel I should explain myself. No situation in my past forced me to take a 'Stats' or 'Metrics' course, and so I find myself learning these things as a beginner. I literally inhale every bit of information on your site, and have a large stack of textbooks that find themselves overused and under-loved. I've taken the autodidact's approach for this long, and am confident in my abilities to further develop my knowledge as a writer.
-I make constant references to Cool Runnings and Finding Nemo.
Pros by Cons: A Visual
Please see attached
Prose by Cons, starring Harrison Ford, Josh Holloway, and a surprise guest!
Found Luke freezing out on Hoth. His face was frost-bitten so badly, I couldn't tell if it was him or the Tauntaun. After I figured out who was who, I got to use a lightsaber! I'll spare you the rest of the gory details.
-Han Solo
Dear Diary: kissed that Kate girl today. She sure does kiss mighty good. Jack didn't take too kindly to our relations. The rest of the fellows here seem not to like me very much as well. Also, I hope I don't get typecast as this kind of character for the rest of my life. Woops, broke the fourth wall, gotta go.
-James "Sawyer" Ford
It's the 60's! I can do anything I want! Things are great!
-Frank Abagnale
Potential Fangraphs Plans/Ideas
-Given SABRmetrics' humble beginnings as contrarian thinking, I'd like to evaluate the non-factual claims made by sportscasters and fans alike. I realize this is not a new subject, but there are new angles and convincing that can be done. Some examples would be
"Has the league gotten a good look at him?" (which rookie pitchers succeed on luck, and which on talent?)
"How old is too old?" (Re-evaluating body types and the aging curve)
"Did the better team actually lose?" (Should we re-evaluate WPA and context?)
-With the launch of the new Dutch baseball league (Honkbal Hoofdklasse), I'd like to evaluate the relative strengths and weaknesses of each foreign baseball league. There probably won't be a catch-all metric for this, but it remains to be seen if certain skills are developed better in certain leagues, and what sort of adjustments can be made for the skill levels of each league.
-The role of randomness and luck in baseball are widely accepted. However, this seems to be a catch-all for unexplainable events or inefficient metrics. I'd like to hash out the differences between statistical randomness and 'true' randomness, which I believe is a metaphysical concept. It would be a positive step for SABRists to be able to distinguish what is insignificant statistically, and what is a true coin-flip.
Fake Potential Fangraphs Plans/Ideas
-I'd operate as Fangraphs' first foreign baseball correspondent. Travelling the world, I would report on local sabermetric oddities in leagues on four continents. My home base would be in the Netherlands, hoping to introduce the new fans to a statistical mindset
-Test the park effects of a Little League stadium on Mount Everest.
PotentialFangraphs Plans/Ideas of Unknown Reality Content
-I'd develop a new metric in the Netherlands to evaluate how Stroopwafels affect pitching performance. Hypothesis: the pure Zeus-ian power contained in Stroopwafel syrup will increase fastball velocities 5-7% when consumed within 3 hours of gametime
Some Closing hyperbole About Myself
-I am the size of a prized ox with the strength of an African Army Ant (approximately 13 fRARA (fangraphs Runs Above Replacement Ant)
-My alarm clock used to play the Jonah Keri Podcast intro, but then he left Fangraphs and I nixed that
-In college (whilst in university), I invented New Coke. However, the Devil Rays poured all their capital into it, thus explaining their current financial situation.
-I've read each word in this sentence at least once
* * * * *
If you've made it this far, I hope I've provided some insight into my qualifications, and perhaps a little humor. I also hope that you understand this is a real application, I've attached a resume for your perusal. I love baseball, I love finding new ways to analyze it, and (hopefully this isn't off-putting) I love your website. I will follow up in three weeks if I haven't heard from you.
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